Girl Power–Why Courtesy Matters in Marriage and Motherhood

Girl Power–Why Courtesy Matters in Marriage and Motherhood

Sometimes the most obvious truths pierce the heart the deepest. Sometimes the simplest wisdom sparks a metamorphosis. While reading Home-Making by J. R. Miller,  I paused at a paragraph early on in the book because its truth seemed so obvious, yet it is something I struggle with often.

Is politeness merely a manner that is necessary in interaction with the outside world, and not required when we are alone with those we love the best? Are home hearts so peculiarly constituted, that they are not pained or offended by things that would never be pardoned in us, if done in ordinary society? Are we under no obligations to be respectful and to pay homage to our dearest friends–while even to the rudest clown, or the greatest stranger, which we meet outside our own doors–we feel ourselves bound to show the most perfect civility?

On the contrary, there is no place in the world where the amenities of courtesy should be so carefully maintained, as in the home. There are no hearts which hunger so, for expressions of affection, as the hearts of which we are most sure. There is no love which so needs its daily bread–as the love that is strongest and holiest. There is no place where rudeness or incivility is so unpardonable, as inside our own doors and toward our best beloved! The tenderer the love and the truer–the more it craves the thousand little attentions and kindnesses which so satisfy the heart.

My heart read those words and thought immediately of how often I take out my frustrations with the cable company or the bumper-to-bumper traffic on my husband. Or how often I take out my frustrations with the long line at the grocery store on my kids. I skip please and thank you because surely they know I mean those things and I’m in a hurry. I say and do things to them that I would never dream of saying or doing to a stranger. But more than anyone else, my best words, my most tender affections, my sweetest smiles should be lavished upon those within the walls of my home, those whom I love most. As a wife and mom, my words set the tone for our home. With one carefully chosen phrase, I can diffuse my husband’s bad day at the office. With one subtle wink across the dinner table, I can speak volumes into his heart. With one early morning bedhead hug for my girls, I can start our day with a smile. God has given me that persuasion with my family. It is a mighty tool and a great responsibility. I have failed many, many times in this area, but the last couple years I have come to realize the power my words, my tone and my body language have within our home. I still fail–and always will which is why the words “I’m sorry” matter so much–but slowly I’m learning the power my tongue holds.

Yesterday I read in Song of Solomon, “Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue.” Can the same be said of me?

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Why Constructive Criticism Isn’t Constructive

Why Constructive Criticism Isn’t Constructive

We try and dress it up. We call it constructive so the person we’re about to criticize won’t know our real intent. But we’re not fooling anyone. Constructive criticism isn’t constructive at all. It’s criticism with a feel-good name. I’ve never talked to a person who received constructive criticism and walked away empowered and ready to make changes. When I’ve been on the receiving end of constructive criticism, I’ve left the conversation feeling defeated, discouraged and afraid to try again. And when I’ve been the one dishing out the constructive criticism, I’ve found the relationship growing a little more distant, a little less trusting.

Constructive criticism is an oxymoron like “jumbo shrimp” or “pretty ugly.” Two contradictory words placed together in a figure of speech. We focus on the constructive part and tell ourselves we are doing this for their own good. But the truth is…

Constructive criticism is a con disguised by a critic.

When I’m giving out constructive criticism, it’s usually because I’m feeling defensive or discouraged and I want to bring someone down into the pit with me. Instead of dealing with my issues, I deflect attention to someone else hoping the shared misery will make me feel better. It doesn’t work. Constructive criticism is a con, and it’s the tool of a critic. Whether we’re just a critic for the moment or we’ve taken up residence there, it’s time to shine the light and see constructive criticism for what it really is.

“But what if I need to give someone feedback?” Certainly, we all need honest feedback. We need someone to love us enough to speak truth into our lives. But before we give someone feedback, we must examine our hearts and ask the question, “Am I coming at this from a critical spirit or an encouraging spirit?” What would happen in our relationships if we traded constructive criticism for encouraging feedback? How can we make that shift?

Focus on strengths. Years ago, I read the book Finding Your Strengths. The book raises the idea that we are all composed of strengths and weaknesses. Our weaknesses can only be improved marginally, but our strengths can be leveraged exponentially. Constructive criticism focuses on a person’s weaknesses whereas encouraging feedback speaks to a person’s strengths. Every single person has strengths. Identify what those are and speak life into that person in her areas of strength. Nudge her forward. Give a little wind to her dreams. See in her the potential she might not be able to see in herself right now.

Offer suggestions for managing weaknesses. We all have weaknesses, and sometimes we just don’t know what to do with them. Offer helpful, practical suggestions to the person.  A couple months ago I was having lunch with a good friend who is particularly gifted at teaching. I was going over a few ideas for an upcoming talk I was working on. After I finished, she suggested I think of a visual that would quickly connect with my teenage audience. I’m a visual learner but I often get so caught up in the words I forget to think through how visuals could help my message. She offered a helpful suggestion to manage one of my weaknesses and gave me a great reminder for the future.

Choose your words carefully. When I was younger, my mom would often remind me, “It’s not what you say but how you say it.” That’s certainly true when you’re giving someone encouraging feedback. Think about your tone, your inflection and your mode of communication. We love to email constructive criticism because the recipient seems more distant and we feel like we can heap it on a little heavier. If we truly realized the power of our words, we would choose them much more carefully. All it takes is one wrong comment from the right person to shut down a dream, to cause us to question our worth and to send us reeling with insecurity. On the flip-side, all it takes is one carefully chosen piece of encouragement to breathe life into a person, to resurrect a dream and to nudge someone into her full potential.

A gentle answer turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up wrath.    Proverbs 15:1

Constructive criticism doesn’t make us want to be better. It makes us want to crawl in a hole and hide. If you want to build someone up and  construct in that person something beautiful, encourage, encourage, encourage. Speak into her the potential you see. Cheer her on. Tell her she can do it. Highlight her strengths and come alongside her in her weaknesses. Choose your words carefully. Your words carry power. Use them to speak life.