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Securely Insecure

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IMG_3285A couple weeks ago my Bible study girls and I were having a conversation about insecurity, each of us timidly sharing the most vulnerable pieces of our hearts. A few tears trickled down, and we all realized we face the same battle. I confessed to the girls my frustration over fighting the same insecurities over and over again. Just when I think I’ve made progress, a comment is made or a picture is posted or a button seems too tight and I’m right back in the thick of it. The same insecurity. Again. And again.

I know these insecurities well. Will I be good enough? Will they love the real me? Is it really okay to fail? Not a day goes by that I don’t go to battle against them. I can’t put them on a shelf, and I certainly can’t seem to get rid of them. They are loyal to a fault, always there, reliable in the worst possible way. Those same few insecurities echo through my head repeatedly. Your insecurities might be different from mine, but I’m guessing you too battle your same two or three insecurities over and over again.

Since that conversation a couple weeks ago, I’ve been wrestling with this dilemma. Why do I struggle with the same insecurities repeatedly? This morning I thought to myself, “My insecurities are the very thing keeping me dependent on God.” When I feel secure, I have no need for God, and that’s when I set myself up for a huge tumble, a painful fall from the mountain of pride. When I feel secure, I give God the day off saying, “I’ve got this. I can handle this.” I strap on my control-freak tendencies, craft a sure-fire plan and charge forward convinced if I just work hard enough I can pull this off. Of course, you know how that ends. It’s a crash-and-burn-type scenario, painful for the heart and ego. What if the insecurities I hate are actually a blessing?

My dependable insecurities keep me securely dependent on God.

On my best days these insecurities bubble just under the surface, and on my worst days they explode like a ketchup packet in the hands of a mischievous three-year-old. What if these ever-present insecurities aren’t things to get rid of but rather the very reminder that I don’t have to do this life alone? What if I didn’t view the presence of my insecurities as failure but rather a warning, a parental nudge, a reminder to not try and do life on my own? Because every time I think I can do it on my own, I set myself up for a huge fall and a big fail.

What if  the insecurities I’ve come to depend on, the ones that lurk around the corner and grab onto my ankles, form the very rope tethering me to the strength and power of my Almighty God.

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