Four-Letter Word

Four-Letter Word

Fear. A four-letter word I struggle with daily. I’m afraid I won’t be good enough. I’m afraid friends will see the real me and want to bail. I’m afraid of accidents. I’m afraid of something happening to my babies. I’m afraid of failing. I’m afraid of embarrassment. I’m afraid of letting those I love down. I’m afraid. I’m afraid. I’m afraid.

And that fear is something I have to face head on every day. I’ll see a CNN headline come across on twitter and all of a sudden I’m checking my tomatoes for salmonella and telling myself I’ll never stand underneath an airport flight status board again. It’s a miserable way to live. It’s a control-freak seeking to control that which she absolutely cannot. It doesn’t work. I tell you that from experience.

I’m learning how to face my fear. I’m learning how to take risks, to trust my God better. It isn’t easy and it’s been a slow process for me. Our journey through pregnancy forced me to face a ton of fears. Our journey with adoption has forced me to face even more. And even yesterday, I faced another fear. The fear that says, “If you’re going to do something, you better be perfect.” I have an incredible opportunity to co-host The Andy Savage Show with Highpoint’s teaching pastor Andy Savage. Yesterday, I recorded my first one. I was nervous as all get out (hopefully, you can’t hear my teeth chattering on the air!) and driving home after the show all I could think was everything I wish I’d said better. But then I realized I was just believing that voice. The voice of fear that says I have to be perfect.

When I first started driving, I was backing the car out of the driveway on Christmas morning, moving Dad’s car to the cul-de-sac so my grandmother could pull in. I was trying to get the tricky curve just right and I accidentally hit the gas instead of the brake. Insert a little mistletoe because the car definitely kissed the mailbox leaving a nice, big dent. I was mortified. Especially since my whole family happened to be at the house on this day. But, as with all things, I eventually got better at driving. The same is true about every new endeavor. I will stumble. I will fail. But I will  never know what I’m capable of unless I step out and trust God. I don’t have to be perfect. God already knows I’m certainly not even close to perfect. But the beauty of our Creator is that He uses imperfect, messed up people to do His work. It’s time to face our fears.

4 thoughts on “Four-Letter Word

  1. Ack! This is ME, ME, ME, a thousand times me. And you’re right, it is that voice. I too am slowly learning to drown it out and trust God. Not easy, but it’s a must.

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