Yesterday, I counted your toes on the screen… sure enough, there were ten. And don’t think I didn’t count twice. L, I don’t know how it is possible for me to love you so much already when I haven’t even seen your face, but I do. I love you more than you’ll ever know. That’s why I’m writing today…
It’s early on a Saturday morning and your daddy is still sound asleep. But you were moving in my tummy, and I get so excited when I feel you move that sometimes it’s impossible to go back to sleep. I haven’t written anything in a long time… my heart ached so much that writing anything just made me feel open and exposed. I’ll tell you more about that later.
Today, I’m letting my heart take a step. As I watched you move and squirm and dance on the screen yesterday, I could feel a tear fall down my face. You are a miracle, sweet L. I found out that I was pregnant with you the day after my twenty-fifth birthday. When I looked at that pregnancy test stick, I had such mixed emotions… excitement, fear, worry and… hope.
Beside my bed, I have a small figurine. It’s an angel child holding a small balloon with the word “hope” in it. Every morning it’s the first thing I see. Right beside it lays a small white piece of paper with these words from Psalms on it, “You turned my wailing into dancing. You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord, my God, I will give you thanks forever.”
I’ve been silent for a long time. I was afraid, sweet L. I still am. But God is making my heart stronger one step at a time. I can’t be silent anymore. I have to give Him thanks. Thanks for the heartache because I know He has used it to make me a better mom. Thanks for the pain because I know He’s given me a story to tell. Thanks for the hope because that small flicker of light has pushed me forward. Thanks for His faithfulness because I continue to stand in awe of our Creator. And thanks for your precious life, for your kicks and dances, for the beautiful melody of your heartbeat and of course… for your ten toes.